Intelligent Squirrel Couriers

When security is at issue, and the regular postal routes are in question, consider sending your message by intelligent squirrel. Our rodents are fast, wily, and dependable. And they won't stretch your budget! The operation is delightfully simple:

  1. Enclose your message in the molybdenum-plated iron cannister, proven to resist acid rain, intense temperatures, water to depths of a hundred feet, and all manner of contaminents.
  2. Strap the cannister to your squirrel's leg.
  3. Feed the squirrel a "destination capsule." With our patented bio-map technology, the pill contains RNA-encoded maps and routes which find their way to the squirrel's brain and coax it toward the destination. The pill can even be tailored to include photographs of authorized recipients for the message.
  4. Set the squirrel loose! At this point you have absolutely nothing to worry about. Our tiny courier will immediately set out on its path. These animals are trained in the arts of self-defense, stealth, and survival in any climate. In the even that the rodent is caught, it will open the capsule and consume the contents, preserving your privacy.
It's that easy.

The Pentagon uses squirrels to deliver precious defense documents. The CIA sends squirrels to bring instructions to undercover agents. Even the president entrusts his memoranda to squirrels, which scurry about the oval office in specially-constructed pvc tubes.

Don't trust your mail to the error-prone means of human couriers, electronic networks, or even fish. They are just not safe enough. Put your faith in intelligent squirrels.

The Voice