>>>>> "SSHM" == Snatcherus Spockitus Hillbillicus Maximus writes: SSHM> Agh. I'm alone here in Iowa, trapped down in the cellar. Holy crap! Are they having tornadoes and crap, per Bernard Vonnegut? Or is there some kind of pogrom occuring in the streets of Ioway City!? You gotta get outta there, man! Get out while the getting's good. Whatever you do, don't head for the Quad Cities. They're a pack of murderous thieves there who would strip a blond California boy like you and make you their secret sweet honey bitch. They'd probably keep you naked on a chain in the backyard like an animal, only letting you out of the icy cold for buggery and occasional shearings. SSHM> for the people in Indiana, it's earlier, I think. But I SSHM> don't know. Indiana does not partake in American time due to their slavish devotion to International Communism. SSHM> Tonight we had some new arivals from Indiana, and they are SSHM> pretending to be fast asleep. They are probably having a Communist cell meeting by telepathy. As you know, the Soviet Union perfected telepathic communication in the 1950s and worldwide Communists use the technique to distribute spy information while appearing to talk about basketball. I recommend that you cloud your brainwaves with strong whiskey to prevent intrusion. Using GPG for all intrabrain communication is also recommended. Need I remind you that Bob Crane's killer was never brought to justice? SSHM> i've been hiding all day, trying not to get involved in all SSHM> the grand super shit, and end up the focus of someone's SSHM> family politics. They are just waiting for that. "You, sir, are stupendously fat. I would conjecture that, with your immense glutenous torso and tiny waving vestigial arm limbs, you're unable to wipe your own ass. Am I correct?" SSHM> Yet there is no escape. I've set myself up for this. I SSHM> can't complain! No, that is the one thing you CAN do. I suggest that you revel in it. SSHM> Ugh. I can't even smoke anymore. I've convinced myself SSHM> that all the things that ground me and give any sort of SSHM> confort are deadly evilness killers -- which just goes to SSHM> show... You're farther gone than I had feared. SSHM> Fuck! I just realized, you people all hate me. Yes, but we OWE you. That makes us the most dangerous factor in your life at the moment, but RIGHT NOW WE'RE THE ONLY HOPE YOU HAVE. You must follow these directions TO THE LETTER or all is lost. 1.) CLEANSE YOUR BOWELS. Impacted bowels are an impediment to the crystal clear thinking and lightning reflexes which you will need over the next 8 hours if you are to survive. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough. 2.) DISGUISE. You must disguise your pasty features, because they stand out like a beacon. Take a black magic marker and blacken your face and hands COMPLETELY. Leave no unmarked areas, however small. If any other flesh around your waist or ankles is exposed, it must be disguised, also. NOTE*NOTE*NOTE: DO NOT I repeat DO NOT use one of those magic markers that smells like licorice. This will attract the dogs and disclose your whereabouts. 3.) PREEMPTIVE STRIKE. In order to stay one step ahead of the enemy you *must* take the initiative. Climb up the drainpipe on the outside of the building (do not take the stairs! That's what they EXPECT you to do) and into the bedroom of the Indiana Communists. Plunge a mechanical pencil with a swift, wrist-twisting motion into the right ear of each Communist in turn, starting with the largest and working your way down to the smallest. ONE STROKE is all you get. You must disable their telepathy centers before they can awaken and warn their colleagues or notify their taskmasters in Moscow. Do NOT use a Bic ballpoint pen, as they lack structural integrity and will shatter on impact. I recommend if at all possible you practice on the leftover turkey in the kitchen refridgerator before executing this maneuver. Plunge... and TWIST! Plunge... and TWIST! It should become as second nature to you. It may help to do some capoeira exercises to calm your mind and strengthen your resolve. 3.) ESCAPE. Run with all your might to the West, where you have allies. Keep to the fields and avoid human habitation such as farmhouses and townlets -- remember, William Pickard was turned in by a bucktoothed farmer. Country people hate our kind. Live off the land. Think like a wild beast. Clothe yourself in furs and corn husks. The day is your enemy and the night is your friend. Keep moving at all times. SSHM> So fuck an a. There will be time for that later. Now, you must act! ~Mr. Bad -- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /\____/\ Mr. Bad \ / Pigdog Journal | http://pigdog.org/ | *Stay*Real*Bad* | (X \x) ( ((**) "If it's not bad, don't do it. \ If it's not crazy, don't say it." - Ben Franklin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~