[CrackMonkey] Dept. of Roman Factual Correction

[Nick Moffitt]

To my surprise the other day, I discovered that Tom Davey had not
heard of Emperor Cletus the Slack-Jawed.

----- Tom Davey -----

Vale, homines!

David Welton did some Web research on Diocletian and pointed out
that I had it wrong. It was not Constantine the Great who divided
the empire into Eastern and Western halves, as I thought, but the
'ol Christian torcher himself, Diocletian. The split occurred
around 295 A.D., not 330, so I was off a solid 35 years. 

To redeem my historical credentials, today I undertook some
research (using Pokemon cards) on the Emperor Cletus (the
"Slack-Jawed"). Truly he is an under-apprecicated figure. I was
surprised to learn that a great number of social and
technological advances occurred during his four-week reign,
including the introduction into Roman culture of okra, grits,
moonshine, and ringworm. 

Tragically killed by accident while passed out drunk in a duck
blind on the banks of the Tiber, Cletus failed to live long
enough to secure the survival of his rich legacy. The next
Emperor, Plautus the Polymath, immediately launched a bloody
persecution to eliminate the Cletian innovations. Thousands of
barefoot and pregnant youths (of both sexes--those Romans) were
herded to the Coliseum for execution while in the stands the
jaded Roman populace worked on Greek crossword puzzles. The
youths died horribly, killed by the mental strain of public
instruction in letterin', cipherin', and basic dental hygiene. 

Thus did history draw a veil over the reign of Cletus the
Slack-Jawed. 

Tom

----- End forwarded message -----

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