[CrackMonkey] "Dr. Freud, Clean-up on Aisle 9..."

[Nick Moffitt]

----- Gary Clemenceau <gary at acmevaporware.com> -----


a sneak of my next column.

-g.

***********************************
"Dr. Freud, Clean-up on Aisle 9..."
by Gary Clemenceau

In general, evolution involves the collision of several vectors; many
things coinciding to create new things. In Corporate America/Silicon
Valley parlance, these collisions fall under the heading MERGERS &
ACQUISITIONS.  Some collisions are stranger than others.

Last month, three very powerful companies came together to create
something stranger than fiction. Foodmakers General Mills and General
Foods inexplicably merged with drugmaker Eli Lilly, producing a new
entity dubbed "General Moods" to be based in Silicon Valley.  The
announcement was made via bullhorn and stadium-sized LED screens
before a stunned crowd of construction workers and stalled motorists
at the company's ground-breaking ceremony in Fremont. 

During the event, newly minted General Moods' CEO John Schadenfreude
waxed optimistic. "Freud once mentioned at a dinner party that
unrestricted satisfaction of every human need drives people's
motivations, but it also means putting enjoyment before caution. Well,
by entering the pharmaceutical-food game, we've brought enjoyment to a
whole new level." 

Schadenfreude paused as huge Caterpillar earthmovers rumbled past
onlookers.  "The market clearly has a need for a company that can not
only meet the needs of food and drug loving consumers, but also one
that can also successfully subvert state and federal laws and social
morays with impunity, vectoring with a sheer force of will unheard of
since the pharoahs." The smiling Schadenfreude concluded by driving a
Cat D-series bulldozer East as part of a multi-state tour.

Surprisingly, General Moods is already in advanced stages of
production of the very latest in drug- and food-enhancement
entertainment products despite the factory's early stages of
development. The new company plans to leverage the core competencies
of the three companies, as well as numerous pharmacological and food
partners, into entirely new families of mood- and health-enhancing
products, to include: 

* "Bisquicker," the world's first Ritalin-laced baking mix (also an
integral ingredient to "Suddenly Salad")

* "Binarios," little ones and zeroes laced with Lithium for the
chronically bipolar

* "Prolax," the world's first mood-altering laxative

* "FiberDammit," a high-tech fiber/petrolatum mix made from wood, metal
shavings and petroleum byproducts (also marketed as "JiffyPlop")

* "Chex Who Goes There?", a Zyprexa-based, paranoia-reducing breakfast
cereal

* "HELLO," a Ritalin-Viagra-laced Jell-O dessert 

* A Kervorkian-approved, strychnine-based confection called "Hershey's
Kiss of Death" 

* "SmackUms," an opiate-laced cracker

* "FlopTarts," a Percocet-Valium mood recliner

* An Ativan-Valium cereal called "Dream of Wheat"

* "SNOREOs," a barbituate cookie

* A contraceptive breath mint called "Wifesavers"

* "I REALLY REALLY REALLY BELIEVE It's Butter!," a Paxil-Prozac,
psycho-lipid obsessive-compulsive breakfast spread (called
"M&M&M&M&M&M&Ms" in tablet/candy form)

* A millennial Vicadin-enhanced breakfast cereal called "SpecialY2K"

* And a specially targeted methamphetamine-Prozac-antacid combination
designed specifically for network administrators and system architects
called "Network Helper."

A spokesman for the company said FrootLoops, Frosted Flakes and the
new and improved fluoxetine hydrochloride- and Humatrope
synthetic-human-growth-hormone-laced Cheerios will remain unchanged.

"Through our internal scientific programs and dozens of research-based
partnerships worldwide, we are targeting pharmaceutical-grade dietary
solutions for many of the world's most urgent and unmet medical food
needs," said Dr. John Yaya, minister of cafeteria science for General
Moods and Morvalia Polytechnic fellow in marginally good standing.
"Our deep research and clinical expertise have prepared us to take
advantage of this golden age of psycho-food discovery on behalf of
patients who are soon-to-be veeeery dependent on medical innovation."

"A lot of people have asked why we're doing this," said Sidney Taurel,
chairman and CEO of Eli Lilly, while munching the new Cheerios and
getting very very large. "The truth of the matter is, what with all
these recent behemoth under-the-counter psycho-pharmaceutical food
mergers we all felt like giggling little children amidst big giant
toothed earth moving machines and all this noise it's just the coolest
forest ham was FANTASTIC it felt just right in fact it felt great is
this thing on? hellooooooo." Taurel concluded by growing to a height
of 18 feet 3 inches and trying to catch his own hand while being
pursued by authorities.

Evolution, it seems, can occasionally prove convoluted and
unpredictable. 


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