[CrackMonkey] (From computerworld.com) Shark Tank (fwd)

[George J.P. Perry]

Uncharacteristically short & pithy vigniettes.  Subscribe per your own
judgement.  -g

A PILOT FISH is called in to troubleshoot an e-commerce project that customers
are unhappy with. He checks it out and reports back to the CIO that the users
don't like the system because, well, it doesn't do what they want it to. Forget
it then, says the boss: "The system works. User problems are not our concern."

WORKING ON a data recovery plan, a network admin pilot fish suggests making
reliable backups standard policy. Costly and unnecessary, replies the boss. His
plan: If the server crashes, he'll pull the disks out, install them in his
workstation and put the files on diskettes for users.

A SMALL LOCAL GOVERNMENT'S systems get their share of hacker attacks and e-mail
viruses - the price of staying connected to constituents, says a consultant
pilot fish who helps keep them running. But one local official takes it
personally. "I've got a good mind just to jerk the whole thing out," he fumes.
"That e-mail is nothing more than a bitch line!"

TO IMPROVE E-MAIL server performance, outsourced central IT staff turns off
on-the-fly virus scanning for e-mail. Instead, grumbles this pilot fish in a
field office, they scan each machine on the network just once per night for
viruses. Which means every new virus runs rampant through the network. "And
then," says the fish, "we all get notified later that night."

HUMAN RESOURCES manager storms into system administrator pilot fish's cubicle.
Rumor has it the fish knows everyone's log-on password, he says. True, fish says
- they're all in a secure database in case of emergency. "Well, what keeps you
from logging in as an HR employee and changing your salary?" he sputters. "Same
thing that keeps you from doing it," the fish says. "It's illegal." The HR
manager stares at the fish, spins on his heel, storms away - and never mentions
it again.

At least he got it on the second try. Try sending me your story:
sharky at computerworld.com. If it sees print, you get a sharp Shark shirt. And get
more true tales of IT every day online at computerworld.com/sharky.