[Taocow PBEM] OOC:, but I have to share

J L tolrick_stonecleaver at yahoo.com
Thu Aug 25 15:54:35 PDT 2005

My mother sent me this yesterday, and usually I read
them, laugh, then delete.

But these bits were far too funny to let pass and I
have to share 'em.

Don't know if they're actual occurances, but knowing
people, they probably are.   I still can't read the
last one without breaking up.


Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...or that you could
crawl into a hole?  Here are the Testimonials of a few
women who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my
husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How
much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"  I
turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing
different kinds of golf balls.  I was unhappy with the
women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who work at the store.  He
asked if he could help me.  Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and
nuts.  As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any  help. I
replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."  My
sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,
and I turned beet-red and walked away.  To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one
afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up
energy and ran amok.  I was finally able to grab hold
of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons.  I told her that if she did not
start behaving  "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go
right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing
Daddy's pee-pee last night!"  The silence was
deafening after this enlightening exchange.  Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up
the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with
my daughter in tow.  The last thing I heard when the
door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a
particular question too many times?  My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly.  One day we stopped at Taco
Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.  It was
very busy, with a full dining room.  While enjoying my
taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I
checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was
clean.  Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to
go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to
go, and he said "No".  I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
accident?"   "No," he replied.  I just KNEW that he
must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.  Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"  This time he
jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent  over and
spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel  better by thanking me for
the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan
laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news
anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks.  What happens when you predict snow -- but
don't get any....a true story.

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches
you promised me last night?"  Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!

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