Thu 12/16/1993, 06:48AM From [dance] megan [or die.]

95 theses of citadel. 12-14-93

1. you get out your guns to blast the walls of denial, ignoring the beam in your own eye and losing sight of the fact that not everyone lives in a world of denial and if they do it is a personal freedom to do so.
   
2. your frustration with the atrophy in your own life drives you to try to change others. you overlook the simple idea that you can not change another person. at best you can catalyze. but only if there is a desire to change present. and you can't take credit for being a catalyst.
   
3. you think you are cool for showing people their faults but all you are is a schmuck with no life extending a long tembling finger and....poke poke poke. occasionally you hit a nerve. you really get off on it.
   
4. you aren't better than anyone else. you wouldn't bother if you were.
   
5. you try to justify your actions by saying you are preparing people for the 'real world.' i don't think so. in the real world they rape you on concrete and threaten to kill you if you tell. that is a slice of the 'real world.' not some pale scrawny guy who thinks a keyboard gives him power. (the power of illusion.)
   
6. you confuse words with action.
   
7. you confuse your rants against your peers with personal progress.
   
8. you mock ambition because you are afraid of failure. you are all too keenly aware that you have burnt out. it is easier to pretend it is stupid to want to be anywhere than to admit that you are paralyzed.
   
9. you mock materialism because you re too broke to feed your demon.
   
10. you mock spirituality because you look inside yourself and see nothing but a grey hollow.
    
11. you cam here as an outcast and now you mock any who comes after you.
    
12. you embrace alternative pop culture as a desperate cling at an identity and then you mock top 40ers and the flavor of the month club.
    
13. you sell your sexuality because you are secretly afriad that's all you have. you hate yourself for it but you cover it up by pretending it is cool.
    
14. you have your ideals but you throw them away for a warm body, an easy lay, a little distraction, and that makes them meaningless. you try to cover up that by saying people should not judge you. but you are your own worst critic and you do not like what you see.
    
15. you mock people who are narrowminded but you are just as bad as them. you just have different prejudices. you criticize them for not accepting you but you have never accepted them. you want the change to start with someone else.
    
16. you cling to your injokes so you won't have to be alone.
    
17. you bang together against the 'uncool person of the week' to unite you so you won't have to be alone.
    
18. you grab anything that comes, fuck up your life, and regret it in hindsight. then you get up and do it again. you never learn.
    
19. you don't have an identity past the guy you are with. you change your name, your face, your friends....everytime you find someone new. therefore you can never be loyal. therefore you can never be trusted.
    
20. you want to be different just like everyone else. it is bad enough that you let your likes be determined by the mab. you let your dislikes be determined by them too.
    
21. if i scratched you, bile would ooze out. go ahead and whine about your life. other people have had it worse than you without letting it consume them.
    
22. you want to be happy but you refuse to let go of your unhappyness.
    
23. you want to be happy but you'll never let yourself. it would mean losing your only identity.
    
24. you want the world to view you as tragic and to feel sorry for you. but the most tragic thing about your life is when you cna't match your lipstick to your nail polish. if you got what you wanted you would be sorry.
    
25. you call me a basketcase because i am more honest than you are.
    
26. you bully the incompetent to convince yourself you're wonderful. what is so wonderful about that? what is so challenging about that?
    
27. you slam the door in the face of opportunity because you can't take anything that might change your balances little world.
    
28. you hide behind a nym to say the things you do not have the guts to say in person.
    
29. you insult people to look cool. but everything you say has a little string attatched so you can withdraw it if it does not meet 98 % approval.
    
30. you mock random creativity because you are not capable of anything deeper than describing your latest bowel movement.
    
31. you confuse character assasination with creatvity.
    
32. you play king of the mountain on a mole hill.
    
33. you are incapable of an original thought but are skilled at weaving quotes from bartletts into your conversations. you have settled for this for so long that you have forgotten how to think.
    
34. you think it is cool to make people cry. to make them feel bad about themselves. why? where is the challenge? it is a lot harder to make people feel good about themselves. maybe that is why you never try to.
    
35. you spit fire and venom when you feel wanted and have your back up band. when they are gone you shut up and slink off and feel sorry for yourself.
    
36. your quest for instant gratification has destroyed everything you ever cared about.
    
37. you have no idea who you are or what you want. you look for someone to tell you. you look for someone who will tell you to be shallow because it is so easy.
    
38. you cultivate an aura of indeciveness so no one will ever hold you responsible for your actions.
    
39. you advertisae the fact that you have the morals of an alley cat and then get upset when people believe you.
    
40. you have been consumed by your rage at the world. you have let it consume you. you don't use it. it uses you. you are stuck in your life.
    
41. you would betray yourself if you knew who you were. since you don't you betray others.
    
42. you use positive emotions against people because you are a coward.
    
43. you want people to respect you for your strong principles. but they chnage depending on who you are with.
    
44. you want people to respect you for your strong principles but they vanish when your back is against the wall.
    
45. you claim you embrace the truth but then you close your eyes and lie to cover your ass.
    
46. you embrace a fucked up inbred world by catagorically shutting the door on anyone else. you complain things are stale but are too territoral to share.
    
47. you demand people justify themselves. all the time. that is all you do.
    
48. you dish out shit until you are blue in the face and them laugh at anyone who chooses not to put up with it. it is not weakness. it might be common sense.
    
49. you have devoured yourself and are still hungry so you try to devour everyone else.
    
50. you'd sell your soul to have a leader. to be a shadow.
    
51. you claim that you want people to shake off convention and think for themselves. but you really want people to be just like you. you know immitation is the sincerest form of flattery and you get off on that.
    
52. you TRY to be one dimensional.
    
53. you'd rather be liked than respected.
    
54. you do not understand number 53. you never think about respect. it is not a factor for you. this makes your life easier.
    
55. you use your keen perception of people to wound. you wound pacifists.
    
56. you'll say anything behind someone's back. if they are there you are your usual solicitious self (?) who are you really? do you read the polls?
    
57. you close your eyes so you don't have to see how far you have come from your ideals.
    
58. you have easy answers for things you know nothing about and then scoff at people who do know and won't use your answers.
    
59. you go to great lengths to justify your actions. why don't you tell us why you really do the things you do? you can't NOT do them anymore. you set your trap and walked into it.
    
60. you are cruel and you think that means you are clever.
    
61. you say you take drugs because it makes you more creative. you write bad poetry that no onr who is not fried can understand. (well, maybe you came to the right place, afterall.)
    
62. you say truth is the most important thing to you but you only believe one version of it.
    
63. you weren't very popular with guys in highschool. here you have a captive audience. you play it for all it is worth.
    
64. you enjoy calling boards. you think it is fun. you must be dense.
    
65. you want everyone to like you. you are a series of conflicting personalities. the paradoxes abd hypocrisy do not seem to bother you.
    
66. you want to change the world. you talk. that is all.
    
67. you think you have changed the world. you escape to this relaity because you are powerless 'out there.' you have not changed a thing.
    
68. in a land of extremes, you have let the worst come out in you.
    
69. in a land of extremes you used the bect to justify your worst.
    
70. you want to be hamlet. you want to be macbeth. you are caliban.
    
71. you tell people how awful and evil you are because you want them to argue with you. they don't.
    
72. you have let yourself be consumed with tragedy and melodrama. so she dumped you. so what. get on with it already.
    
73. you surround yourself with carisma boys and girls. hoping it will rub off. it has not. you are nothing without them.
    
74. you use your charisma to avoid responsibility for your actions. you treat people like shit and rely on your image to protect you.
    
75. you are a tornado. if you open your mouth, you never shut up. you can be very quiet. this is because your own lack of contol, inability to interrupt the flow disturbs you.
    
76. you're obscure on purplse because you are afraid there is nothing there. you embrace mystery to camouflage that.
    
77. you would rather be 'in' than be yourself. you've been 'in' so long that you have no idea who you are. you might even be someone 'they' would not like.
    
78. you distort reality to perpetuate your misery. it is all you feel comfortable with.
    
79. you have sold out more times than ticket master. yet you judge others continually.
    
80. you're proud of all the people you have fucked. fucked over. you tell us all about it. of course, we repect you so much for it.
    
81. you really like it here because there are so many losers you can compare yourself to. it makes even you look good.
    
82. you say you hate it here, you walk away. you always come back.
    
83. you want perfection. you find qualities you like in people. but it makes you almost insane to see the imperfections. you try to destroy it all.
    
84. you have such strong ideals. when it is conveinient.
    
85. you are more than willing to shred your friends if it will help you move up the totem pole. you are two faced. you feel awful about it.
    
86. you are so out of touch with reality that you don't even realize how much you have drifted from who you want to be.
    
87. you do not understand number 86. you live for the moment. you destroy who you want to be.
    
88. you do not know what you want. you do not sort it out. you take a helping of everything. you can always throw out the leftovers later. no matter what, or who, they are.
    
89. you reject quality for quantity. you might regret it, but you will never admit it.
    
90. there are a lot of things you will not admit. maybe if you wear the mask long enough it will grow onto your face. then you can forget how disappointed you are in yourself.
    
91. you would not have a chance in the real world. that is why you are here.
    
92. you kill your dreams. they scare you.
    
93. you do not understand number 92. you do not have any dreams. you just want to get laid.
    
94. you love the truth. in others. you ignore it in yourself.
    
95. you are a hypocrite. you know it.