[CrackMonkey] How to bathe a cat

[George J.P. Perry]

Dear friend,

Many of you labour under the common mis-conception that cats effectively
clean their selves.

In fact, their chronic lapping & stroking is at once a futile attempt at
hygiene, and a desperate cry for your help.  

Cats, though, exercise a profound (and illusory) sense of independence;
and they will resist your efforts.  

Here, then, are simple steps to follow to keep your feline fresh &
healthy.  

1.  Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2.  Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both
lids lifted.

3.  Obtain the cat and soothe her while you carry her towards the
bathroom.

4.  In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
(You may need to stand on the lid so that she cannot escape.)  CAUTION: Do
not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as her paws will be
reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and
make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the
cat is actually enjoying this.

5.  Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6.  Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.

7.  Stand BEHIND the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8.  The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where
she will dry herself.

Your cat may seem, for a time, to be avoiding you; but she will be, in
fact, out showing other cats how wonderfully clean she is.  And she will
return; that will be her way of asking that you clean her, again.

Sincerely, your friend,
The Dog