[CrackMonkey] [owen@ditherati.com: D I T H E R A T I for 26 April 2000]

[Mr. Bad]

>>>>> "DM" == Don Marti <dmarti at zgp.org> writes:

    DM> Fortunately, I'm keeping the coolness of San Francisco at a
    DM> high level by staying out.

On behalf of all my fellow San Franciscans, Don, I thank you.

Humorous anecdote: I was waiting in line at my local Cala Foods Market
(the offline market for bad people of all stripes) when I was accosted
by a big-toothed, rail-thin drunk Englishman whose breath REEKED of
cheap Cosmopolitans and socialist health care. He had a twelve pack of
Sierra in one hand and a twelver of Red Hook in the other.

Limey: "Wutchyoo buyin vere? Some FOOD?"

Me: (Too stupid to see what's coming) "Yes, it's food."

Limey: "Rook at vat. 'Sall HELF FOO'! Yurrah HELFEY MA-AN."

Me: (Whoops) "Yeah, I guess."

Limey: "So why are you so FUCKING FAT!?"

Me: (Rolling eyes) "Uh."

Limey: "Seriously, why-y? Vis is a innaview! (holds up his fist in my
face as if it were a microphone) F'you eat all vat HELF FOO', how
daya get so FAT?"

Me: (wishing line would get shorter faster) "Well, what I'd like to
tell your studio audience is that I'm a computer programmer and I
guess I don't exercise enough."

Limey: "Whaaaaaah?! Yurrah DOT-COMMA!?"

Me: "Uh, not really."

Limey: "Yurrah DOT-COMMA!! Vat's what YOU are!"

Me: "No."

Limey: "People like you are WUININ' vis city! It's bein' WUINT by all
you DOT-COMMAS comin' here!"

Me: "Well, I came here about 15 years ago, so any damage I've done is
long healed."

Limey: "No-o-o, you DOT-COMMAS come from out of town and are WUINING
Saffrakso."

Me: "Well, wait. What makes you such an authority on San Francisco?"

Limey: "Iyonly been here eight days, but I RUV zis city."

Me: "You've been here EIGHT DAYS?"

Limey: "Yeah."

Me: "And -I'm- ruining the City?"

Limey: "Uh..."

Me: (walking away) "Well, thanks for the interview. Send me some email
when it's aired on network TV, eh."

Limey: "I' wasna WEAW innaview, eh..."

~Mr. Bad

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