[CrackMonkey] This is a very very good thing.

[Craig McPherson]

I didn't write this. Open Source Man did.  And I think this is one
of his best works so far.  It's sheer brilliance.  I'm very flattered
that I had the opportunity to star in this episode.  You should be
familiar with most of the other actors in this also:  Mae Ling Mak I
believe most of you know, and Natalie Portman and Lacey Chabert you've
probably heard of also, and I'm sure you're also familiar with most of the
guest stars such as Hedy Lamar and CmdrTaco.  I'll be happy to pass
any positive feedback on to Open Source Man, so keep it coming.  Enjoy.
on to Open Source Man, so keep it coming.  Enjoy.


STAR (as in hot young actress) WARS

STARRING

anonymous coward as
open source man

natalie portman as
natalie portman

natalie portman as
matalie

esr as
esr

anonymous coward as
naked & petrified guy

lacey chabert naked & petrified as
lacey chabert naked & petrified

mae ling mak naked & petrified as
mae ling mak naked & petrified

mae ling mak clothed & mobile as
mae ling mak clothed & mobile

richard m. stallman as
c3-rms

linus torvalds as
linus-d2

farmland national headquarters mascot sausage + taxidermied gnu's
head as
open source gnu sausage

with special appearances by

tom christiansen (sweaty topless male dancer #1)
larry wall (sweaty topless male dancer #2)

produced by
anonymous coward

directed by
anonymous coward

written by
anonymous coward

special visual effects
anonymous coward

sound design
anonymous coward

music
anonymous coward

key grip
anonymous coward

sausage wrangler
anonymous coward

chapter vi
a story of tender love

natalie portman has returned to her home town of albany new york to
rescue her friend, mae ling mak, from the clutches of the vile
gangster, naked & petrified guy.

little does natalie know that the evil open source empire, led by
esr, has begun construction on a new sendmail daemon even more
powerful than the first dreaded sendmail.

once completed, this new daemon will spell certain doom for the
natalie portman fan-club, ending their means of sending fan-mail...


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


open source man arrives at the development house. workers are
scuttling about attempting to look busy.

project leader: open source man, this is an unexpected pleasure. we
are honored by your presence.

open source man: you may dispense with the pleasantries, project
leader. i am here to put you back on schedule.

project leader: i assure you, open source man, my men are working
as fast as they can.

open source man: perhaps i can find new ways to motivate them!

project leader: the new sendmail daemon will be completed on
schedule!

open source man: esr does not share your optimistic appraisal of
the situation.

project leader: but he asks the impossible! i need more volunteers!

open source man: then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives here.

project leader: esr is coming here?!

open source man: that is correct, project leader, and he is most
displeased with your apparant lack of progress.

project leader: we shall double our efforts!

open source man: i hope so, project leader, for your sake. esr is
not as forgiving as i am.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


c3-rms and linus-d2 are walking down the sidewalk in albany new
york, headed for the naked & petrified guy's palace.

c3-rms: of course i'm worried. and you should be, too. lando
johansen and poor alan cox never returned from this awful place.

linus-d2: chirp, chirp.

c3-rms: don't be so sure. if i told you half the things i've heard
about this naked & petrified guy, you'd probably short-circuit.

the two droids approach the gate of the massive palace.

c3-rms: linus, are you sure this is the right place? i better
knock, i suppose.

c3-rms knocks on the iron door.

c3-rms: there doesn't seem to be anyone there. let's go back and
tell mistress portman.

a small hatch opens in the middle of the door and an aibo head pops
out.

aibo head:tnaw uoy od kcuf eht tahw?

c3-rms: goodness gracious me! yug deifirtep & dekan eht ot egassem
a evig ot emoc evah ew. smr-3c ma i dna 2d-sunil si siht.

the aibo examines the droids, laughs, then returns to its hole.

c3-rms:i don't think they're going to let us in, linus. we'd better
go!

the door opens and linus rushes inside. hesitantly, c3-rms follows.

c3-rms: oh, linus! linus, wait for me!

the giant door slams shut behind the droids. two naked and
petrified statue gaurds close in on the droids.

c3-rms: just you deliver mistress portman's message and get us out
of here.

out of the darkness, a naked & petrified lacey chabert enters the
room.

lacey chabert statue: olleh

c3-rms:oh, my! olleh. we bring a message to your master, the naked
& petrified guy.

linus-d2: chirp, beep, chirp.

c3-rms: ...and a gift. gift?! what gift?!

lacey shakes her head. lacey holds out her hand toward linus, who
chirps in protest as he backs away.

c3-rms: he says that our instructions are to give it only to naked &
petrified himself. i'm terribly sorry. i'm afraid he's ever so
stubborn about these sorts of things.

lacey motions for the droids to follow her. lacey leads the droids
into the naked & petrified guy's throne room. they stand nervously
before him.

c3-rms: the message, linus, the message.

a projection of natalie portman beams out from the center of linus'
head... the projection speaks...

natalie portman: greetings exalted one. allow me to introduce
myself. i am natalie portman, hot young actress and friend to mae
ling mak. i know that you are powerful, mighty naked & petrified, and
that your lust for mae ling must be equally powerful. i seek an
audience with your greatness to bargain for mae ling's life. with
your wisdom, i'm sure that we can work out an arrangement which will
be mutually beneficial and enable us to avoid any unpleasant
confrontation. as a token of my goodwill, i present to you a gift:
these two droids. both are hardworking and will serve you well.

naked & petrified guy: there will be no bargain! i will not give up
my favorite wall decoration. i like mae ling where she is!

the naked and petrified guy points to mae ling mak, naked &
petrified and hanging on the wall.

c3-rms: linus, look! it's mae ling! and she's still frozen in
carbonite!

the droids are taken away for processing.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


a party is underway in the throne room. larry wall and tom
christiansen are topless and chained. the naked & petrified guy holds
the chains as the two dance. the naked & petrified guy grows
disgusted with the two constantly making sexual advances toward each
other. he presses a button on his throne and the two dancers fall
into a pit with a giant aibo. the aibo is equipped with a
scientifically proven magic petrification ray. the aibo petrifies the
two dancers. laughter fills the room full of naked & petrified teen
girls.

suddenly, a blast from the hallway interrupts the merriment. a
masked figure walks in with a large hairy handcuffed beast.

c3-rms: oh no! alan cox!

naked & petrified guy: at last, we have the mighty alan cox!

the naked & petrified guy motions for c3-rms to come translate.
c3-rms complies.

c3-rms: the illustrious naked & petrified guy bids you welcome and
will gladly pay you the reward of twenty-five thousand.

bounty hunter: i want fifty thousand. no less.

the naked and petrified guy becomes enraged. he knocks c3-rms back.
c3-rms regains his footing.

c3-rms: uh, the mighty naked & petrified guy asks why he must pay
fifty thousand.

the bounty hunter holds up a small brown ball.

c3-rms: because he's holding a ball of gnu dung!

naked & petrified guy: this bounty hunter is my kind of scum.
fearless and inventive....

c3-rms: the naked & petrified guy offers you the sum of thirty-five
and he'll throw in a cute teen girl naked and petrified.

the bounty hunter nods.

c3-rms: he agrees!

the bounty hunter joins in the resumed celebration as alan cox is
taken away by a pair of naked and petrified cute teen girls.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


it is dark and quiet in the throne room. all of the cute naked &
petrified teen girls are passed out from the drunken festivities. the
bounty hunter steps quietly toward the petrified mae ling mak. the
bounty hunter flips a switch on one side of mae ling's encasement.
the encasement falls to the floor. the bounty hunter pulls a
depetrification lever. a bright light shines through the carbonite.
mae ling mak's naked body falls out of the shell and onto the floor.
the bounty hunter lifts her up. mae ling regains consciousness.

bounty hunter: just relax for a moment. you're free of the carbonite.

mae ling mak: i can't see!

bounty hunter: your eyesight will return in time.

mae ling mak: where am i?

bounty hunter: the naked & petrified guy's palace.

mae ling mak: who are you?

the bounty hunter removes his mask... it's matalie, natalie
portman's identical twin sister!

matalie: someone who loves you!

mae ling mak: matalie!

matalie: i gotta get you outta here.

as matalie helps mae ling mak to her feet, a deep cackle booms from
a curtain next to them.

mae ling mak: i know that laugh.

the curtain opens to reveal the naked & petrified guy and his
cronies, including c3-rms, whose mouth is being covered by lacey
chabert, naked and petrified.

mae ling mak: hey, naked and petrified guy, i was just on my way to
bring you some cute teen girls, but i got a little sidetracked. it's
not my fault!

naked & petrified guy: it's too late for that, mae
ling. you may have been a good provider of cute teen girls, but now
you're highway pavement!

mae ling mak: look!

naked & petrified guy: take him away!

a couple of naked & petrified cute teen girls grab mae ling mak and
drag her off.

mae ling mak: naked & petrified, i'll pay you triple... you're
throwing away 24 cute teen girls here. don't be a fool!

mae ling mak is removed from the scene. the naked & petrified guy
turns his attentions to matalie.

naked & petrified guy: bring her to me!


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


all is dark and quiet in the entranceway to the naked & petrified
guy's palace. the main gate raises to let in a bright white light
from outside. the silhouetted figure of natalie portman enters the
palace. two naked & petrified cute teen girls try to bar natalie's
progress. natalie raises her hand and the guards fall back. natalie
proceeds on to the naked & petrified guy's throne room. natalie
portman enters the throne room and the naked & petrified guy awakes.

natalie portman lifts her skirt as her twin sister watches.

natalie portman: you will bring mae ling mak and alan cox to me.

naked & petrified guy: your sexual powers will not work on me, girl!

natalie portman: nevertheless, i am taking mae ling and her
friends. you can either profit by this or be destroyed. it's your
choice. but i warn you not to underestimate the powers of my hot
young body.

the naked and petrified guy glares at natalie portman smugly. he
presses the button to the trapdoor.

naked & petrified guy: there will be no bargain, young actress. i
shall enjoy admiring you nude and imobile.

natalie portman falls into the pit with the giant aibo, equipped
with the scientifically proven magic petrification ray. the aibo's
ray warms up and it begins to fire, but not before natalie pulls a
mirror from her purse and holds it up to the aibo. the ray reflects
from the mirror and petrifies the aibo.

a naked and petrified cmdr taco and hemos come into the chamber.
they are devastated at the loss of the aibo.

the naked & petrified guy is also infuriated.

naked & petrified guy: bring me mak and cox! they will all suffer
for this outrage!

several naked & petrified cute teen girls scramble about. mae ling
mak, alan cox and natalie portman are brought before the naked &
petrified guy. c3-rms translates.

c3-rms: oh dear. his high exaltedness, the great naked & petrified
guy, has decreed that you are to be terminated immediately.

mae ling mak: good, i hate long waits.

c3-rms: you will therefore be taken to the dune sea and cast into a
pit of hot grits.

mae ling mak: doesn't sound so bad.

c3-rms: there you will find a new definition of pain and suffering
as your are slowly digested over a thousand years.

mae ling mak: on second thought, let's pass on that.

natalie portman: you should have bargained, naked & petrified guy.
that's the last mistake you'll ever make!

the naked & petrified guy cackles evilly as the prisoners are
hearded off.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


at the pit of hot grits, natalie portman, alan cox and mae ling mak
are moved into position to be pushed into the pit from a small sail
barge. matalie linus-d2 watch from the naked & petrified guy's larger
sail barge.

a naked & petrified cute teen girl moves natalie portman into
position. natalie portman nods to lando johansen and linus-d2. they
indicate acknowledgement of the signal. natalie is pushed over the
plank, but she grabs onto it as she falls and bounces back. at the
same moment, linus-d2 ejects a can of mace from a compartment in his
head. natalie uses the mace to send various naked & petrified teen
girls carreening into the pit of hot grits. the grits bubble in
delight.

matalie takes advantage of the chaos. she grabs the chain
connecting her to the naked & petrified guy and uses it to strangle
him.

lando johansen frees mae ling mak and alan cox, who join natalie
portman in the fight. natalie makes her way to the main sail barge,
while matalie is freed by linus-d2.

linus-d2 and c3-rms dive into the sand. natalie portman grabs her
twin sister and jumps back onto the smaller sail barge with lando
johansen, mae ling mak and alan cox after setting off the large
petrification ray on the main sail barge.

as the smaller sail barge collects the droids and flies away, the
entire large sail barge is petrified and collapses under its own
weight.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


open source man and the sendmail project leader kneal at the
entranceway of the development shop. esr enters the room.

esr: rise my friend.

open source man and the project leader rise and walk alongside esr.

open source man: the sendmail daemon will be completed on schedule.

esr: you have done well, open source man. and now i sense you wish
to continue your quest to open source young natalie portman.

open source man: yes, my master.

esr: patience, my friend. in time she will seek you out. and when
she does, you must bring her before me. she has developed nicely.
only together can we turn her to the open source side.

open source man: as you wish.

esr: everything is proceeding as i have foreseen.

esr laughes as they walk down the hallway.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


linus-d2 waits outside in the rain. natalie portman is inside a
small hut with grace hopper.

betty davis: hmmm. that face you make. look i so old to young eyes?

natalie portman: no... of course not.

betty davis: i do, yes, i do! sick have i become. old and weak.
when nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not!
soon i will rest. yes, forever sleep. earned it i have.

natalie portman: mistress davis, you can't die.

betty davis: strong am i with femininity. but not that strong!
twilight is upon me and soon night must fall. that is the way of
things... the way of the hot young actress.

natalie portman: but i need your help. i've come back to complete
the training.

betty davis: no more training do you require. already know you that
which you need.

natalie portman: then i am a hot young actress?

betty davis: ohhhh. not yet. one thing remains: open source man.
you must confront open source man. only then a hot young actress will
you be. and confront him you will.

natalie portman: mistress davis.... was open source man the
president of my fan club?

betty davis: mmmm... rest i need. yes... rest.

natalie portman: betty, i must know.

betty davis: the president of your fan club he was. told you did he?

natalie portman: yes.

betty davis: unexpected this is. and unfortunate.

natalie portman: unfortunate that i know the truth?

betty davis: no. unfortunate that you rushed to face him... that
incomplete was your hotness. not ready for a sexual relationship were
you. remember, a hot young actresses strength flows from her hot
young buttocks. but beware. anger, fear, agression. the open source
side are they. once you start down the open source path, forever will
it dominate your destiny. consume you it will. natalie... natalie...
do not... do not underestimate the powers of esr, or suffer open
source man's fate you will. natalie, when gone am i, the last of the
hot young actresses will you be. natalie, hotness is strong in your
family. pass on what you have learned. natalie... there is...
another.... port... port... man.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


natalie portman wanders back outside. she is depressed.

natalie portman: i can't do it linus. i can't go on alone.

hedy lamar: betty davis will always be with you.

natalie looks up and sees the spirit of hedy lamar. hedy approaches
natalie and they sit together on a tree trunk.

natalie portman:hedy lamar! why didn't you tell me? you told me
open source man tied up and bludgeoned the president of my fan club!

hedy lamar: the president of your fan club was seduced by the open
source community. he ceased to be anonymous coward and became open
source man. when that happened, the good man who was the president of
your fan club was destroyed. so what i have told you was true... from
a certain point of view.

natalie portman: a certain point of view!

hedy lamar: natalie, you're going to find that many of the truths
we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. anonymous was a
good friend. when i first knew him, anonymous was already a great fan
of yours. i was amazed at how obsessed he was with you. i took it
upon myself to train him as the president of your fan club. i thought
i could instruct him just as well as betty davis. i was wrong.

natalie portman: there's still good in him.

hedy lamar: he is more machine now than man. horny and desperate.

natalie portman: i can't do it, hedy. i can't kill the president of
my own fan club.

hedy lamar: then esr has already won. you were our only hope.

natalie portman: betty spoke of another.

hedy lamar: the other she spoke of is your identical twin sister.

natalie portman: but i have no sister.

hedy lamar: to protect you both from esr, you were hidden from him
when you were born.

natalie portman: matalie! matalie's my sister!

hedy lamar: your insight serves you well. bury your feelings deep
down, natalie. they do you credit. but they could be made to serve
esr.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


A BUNCH OF STUFF HAPPENS


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


two random open source developers enter the cat-walk holding
natalie portman in chains.

random open source developer #1: this is the hot young actress who
surrendered to us. although she denies it, i believe there may be
more of them and i request permission to conduct a search of the
area. she was armed only with this.

the random open source developer hands open source man a spray-can
of mace.

open source man: good work coder. leave us. conduct your search and
bring her companions to me.

the random open source developers leave.

open source man: esr has been expecting you.

natalie portman: i know, president.

open source man: so... you've accepted the truth! 

natalie portman: i've accepted the truth that you were once
anonymous coward... president of my fan club.

open source man: that name no longer holds any meaning for me!

natalie portman: it's the name of your true self. you've only
forgotten. i know there is good in you! esr hasn't driven it from
you fully! that was why you couldn't bludgeon me. that's why you
won't bring me to esr now.

open source man seems distracted by natalie's firm buttocks.

open source man: i see your figure has filled out. your development
is complete. indeed you are alluring as esr has forseen.  natalie is
unsure of what open source man plans on doing. she is a bit nervous.

natalie portman: come with me.

open source man: my girlfriend once thought as you do. you don't
know the power of open source! i must obey esr!

natalie portman: i will not be open sourced. and you will be forced
to bludgeon me with the open source gnu sausage.

open source man: if that is your destiny...

natalie portman: search your feelings, anonymous. you can't do
this! i feel the conflict within you! let go of your lust!

open source man: it is too late for me, natalie.

open source man motions for an open source developer.

open source man: esr will show you the true nature of open source.
he is your master now!

dissappointed, natalie nods her head.

natalie portman: then the president of my fan club is truly dead.

as the open source developer takes natalie away, open source man
gazes longingly at her buttocks. he turns to look out the window,
harkening back to his innocent youth, when he was president of the
natalie portman fan-club. he sighs, deeply.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


open source man and natalie portman enter esr's throne-room. esr is
sitting in a chair at the top of a platform. open source man and
natalie portman approach.

esr: welcome, hot young actress, i've been expecting you. you'll no
longer need those.

esr waves a finger and natalie's hand-cuffs fall off.

esr: guards... leave us.

the gaurds leave.

esr: i am looking forward to completing your sexual development. in
time, you will call me master.

natalie portman: you're gravely mistaken. you won't open source me.

esr: oh no, my hot young actress, you will find it is you who are
mistaken... about a great many things.

open source man: her can of mace.

esr: ah yes. a hot young actresses weapon. much like the ones that
have been used on me. by now you must know your old fan-club
president can never be turned from the open-source side. so will it
be with you.

natalie portman: you're wrong. soon i'll be dead and you with me.

esr: laughs. perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of your fans.
yes. i assure you, we are quite safe from your fans here.

natalie portman: your overconfidence is your weakness.

esr: your faith in your fans is yours.

open source man: it is pointless to resist, natalie.

esr: everything that has transpired has done so according to my
design. your fans are walking into a trap. it was i who allowed the
natalie portman fan club to know the location of the code generator.
i assure you, it is quite safe from your pitiful little band. an
entire legion of my best coders await them. oh... i'm afraid the
sendmail daemon will be quite operational when your fans arrive! 


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


natalie portman is hiding in a room full of old ibm mainframes.
open source man is trying to locate her.

open source man: you cannot hide forever, natalie.

natalie portman: i will not be open sourced.

open source man: give yourself to the open source community. it is
the only way you can save your friends.

natalie portman strains to contain her thoughts.

open source man: ah yes, your thoughts betray you. your feelings
for them are strong. especially for... sister. so... you have a twin
sister! now your feelings have betrayed her too. your parents were
wise to hide her from me. now their failure is complete! if you will
not be open sourced, then perhaps she will!

natalie portman jumps out from behind a mainframe, wielding a can of
mace. she begins beating open source man back with it. 

natalie portman: noooooooo!

natalie portman sprays open source man in the face with the
self-protection spray. he crumples to the ground, holding his arm out
to protect his face from another attack.

natalie portman is crazed with the power of open source.

esr cackles evilly as he steps down from his platform toward natalie.

esr: good. good! your open-sourcedness has made you powerful. now,
release your sexuality and take open source man's place at my side.

natalie looks down at the fallen open source man, breathing heavily
as his sinuses sting from the mace. she harkens back to her youthful
obsession with a hot young actor.

natalie portman: never. i'll never turn to the open source side.
you failed your highness. i am chaste, like open source man before me!

esr: so be it, closed-source girl. if you will not be open sourced,
then you will be bludgeoned with the open source sausage!

esr grabs a giant sausage with a taxidermied gnu's head mounted on
the end of it. he begins to beat natalie with it.

esr: hot young actress... only now, at the end, do you understand!
you have paid the price for your lack of vision!

esr thrashes some more... open source man shakes off the mace.

esr: your hot young femininity is no match for the power of open
source!

esr beats natalie again. open source man pulls himself to his feet
and stands next to esr.

esr: and now, young portman, you will feel the full wrath of the gnu!

natalie portman screams in horror as esr thrashes her harder.

natalie portman: aaaargghghghghgh! open source man! please! help me!

open source man looks fondly open natalie's firm young buttocks. he
looks at esr. with a final surge of passion for the hot young
actress, open source man lifts esr over his head and carries him to
the window. open source man tosses esr into the blackness of night,
but not before esr gets several good whacks in with the open source
sausage.

open source man collapses to the floor. natalie portman crawls over
to him and holds his head gently in her arms...


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


natalie portman drags open source man through the old warehouse
full of ibm mainframes and collected esr writings. the building is
about to collapse from the attack of the natalie portman fan-club
alliance. natalie is trying to reach a cart to drive her and open
source man out to safety.

open source man: natalie, help me take these pants off.

natalie portman: but you'll make a mess all over the floor!

open source man: nothing can stop that now. just for once, let me
love you with my own genitalia.

natalie nods in agreement. she removes open source man's pants. he
smiles with relief.

open source man: now... go. leave me!

natalie portman: i'll not leave you. i've got to let you open source me!

open source man: you already have! you were hot! you were hot,
natalie! tell your sister, you were ho...

with that, open source man slips away into a coma of bliss. filled
with sorrow and pity, natalie takes one last look at the exposed
genitalia. the warehouse begins to crumble. natalie quickly drags
open source man's carcass onto the cart and escapes before the
building collapses.

natalie reaches the street-corner. she spots her parents waiting to
pick her up as designated. she dumps open source man onto the
sidewalk, under a power line. she scribbles her phone number on a
piece of paper and lays it on his chest. as she walks away, the
tremors from the crumbling of the warehouse cause the power line to
snap. it lands on open source man and ignites him. wistfully, natalie
watches as he burns to a crisp.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


natalie portman is at a party with her twin sister and the members
of the fan-club. she harkens back to the previous week when open
source man saved her. she looks out the window... open source man's
blue-auraed spirit is standing in the front lawn, naked and aroused,
warmly smiling at her. natalie smiles back before rejoining her
friends...


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


the end.


thank you.