[CrackMonkey] [Fwd: L&J: Haggis Diplomacy]

Fri Feb 25 07:06:50 PST 2000

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: L&J: Haggis Diplomacy
Date: Fri, 25 Feb 2000 09:05:44 -0500
From: Patricia Neill <pnpj at mail.rochester.edu>
To: Liberty-and-Justice at mailbox.by.net

Haggis Diplomacy
by Patricia Neill (c) 2000 

As one wag has already noted: "The scariest thing about this election is
that one of these people will be elected."

Actually, he said "one of these *four* people," thus leaving out Alan Keyes,
who, if elected, would no doubt cause many, many people to trip over their
brains in a moment of sheer panic and die of mortal fear.

Good riddance to the mainstream media, sez me. It'd be fun watching their
heads implode.

The blundering pack of idiots careening about the Republic like so many ping
pong balls has grown ever more idiotic and soundbite-ish as they go. It's a
sight to cause millians of little ladies grown old enough to be perfectly
honest to  cackle with malicious glee: "What a ridiculous passel of
blowhards! Ain't seen such addle-pated morons since FDR got elected way too
many times..."

I can't see voting for nary a one of the Four (... horsemen of the
apocalypse...). So, I'm casting my vote for a Troglodyte out of Wheeling,
Illinois, David Gonzalez, for the pure reason that he's offered me a federal
job, that of chief cook and bottle-washer at the Big House. He even said I
could choose the menu! Since Mr. Gonzalez is a Celt of the Scots variety,
despite his surname, I plan on serving haggis*, swedes (a kind of turnip),
and Scotch for every meal.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Haggis for every meal.

"Webster's Unabridged: Scot. hag. [to chop, cut] a Scottish dish, commonly
made of the heart, lung, and liver of a sheep, minced with suet, onions,
oatmeal, salt and pepper and boiled in a bag, usually the sheep's stomach."

Scrambled haggis! Creamed Chipped Haggis over toast points. African Peanut
Haggis Stew. Salade Verte avec Croutes de Haggis. Haggis and Cauliflower
Curry with Indian Spices. Provencal Ragout of Haggis with Tomatoes and
Eggplant. Garlic and Haggis Bread with Pecorino Romano Butter. Fried Chinese
Five-Spice Haggis, especially for Mr. Jiang, and Haggis Borscht for Mr.
Putin. You get the idea. Oh--we'll also have some taties and neeps (what you
do with the swedes, of course), and needless to say, the Scotch will be only
of the finest single malt--verrry expensive and verrry good! But lots of
haggis. 

This menu-plan, it should be obvious, will gradually but eventually effect
America's return to her great history of isolationism, because no other Head
of State, no Worldly Diplomats, no sheep-faced Mad Albrights, no Hollywood
dimbulbs will wish to dine at the White House table! They'll all stay away!
And finally, all the Tony Blairs, the Yeltsins, the Putins, all those guys
whose names Dubya couldn't think of and I can't either--they'll stop
bothering us. 

And we'll kindly stop bothering them.

How's *that* for foreign policy? How's *that* for diplomacy! Not bad, eh?
Better than what we've had going for the last 8 years at any rate, I'd say.

All we've ever seen out of the Clintons is buffoonery--but a bad-hearted,
evil buffoonery. If our leaders are determined to be such evil creatures,
we'd at least like them to be clever and sophisticated at it. But, no. With
the Clintons, their evil manners and policies and lies and coverups have all
been clumsy, botched, dunderheaded and fatuous. Their talent for carrying
something off smoothly and behind the scenes is about level with that of a
spoiled, screaming, not-yet-potty-trained two-year old. Without the media to
protect them, these people would have jailed long before they even reached
the White House.

So, it is time for some good-hearted, sweet buffoonery, which is the best
you can expect from any politician, anyway. Or, perhaps, if you're extremely
lucky, Coolidge-style silence, and a repealing of all these embarrassing
laws and prisons that have so obviously made America the land of the free.

It is up to Mr. Gonzalez to be President, of course. I'll only be the
cook--sensibly eating my taters and sipping a wee bit of the ol' poteen in
the kitchen while I giggle over Haggis Diplomacy (shove off, Kissenger, you
rat fink!). But if I can have any influence over Mr. Gonzalez--such as
cooking him a good meal every once in a while when no one else is
around--steaks, mashed potatoes sans neeps, seafood paella, a good old
chicken soup--well, I promise that all I'll ask is that we burn every single
law book in the country and deport all the lawyers to China!

My humble apologies to the Troglodyte, who can be reached at
gonzalez at mcs.com, in case you want to find out what he is going to do to me
when he sees this. I'm too scared to ask, myself!

Some important, vital haggis information follows. :)

For a simply wonderful collection of haggis recipes, see:

http://www.smart.net/~tak/haggis.html

Scotch? see http://www.scotchwhisky.com/ (natch)

Robert Burn's Address to a Haggis

Address to a Haggis 

December 1997 

By Robert Burns 

     Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, 
     Great chieftain o' the puddin-race! 
     Aboon them a' ye tak your place, 
     Painch, tripe, or thairm: 
     Weel are ye wordy o' a grace 
     As lang's my arm. 

     The groaning trencher there ye fill, 
     Your hrdies like a distant hill, 
     Your pin wad help to mend a mill 
     In time o' need, 
     While thro' your pores the dews distil 
     Like amber bead. 

     His knife see rustic Labour dight, 
     An' cut you up wi' ready sleight, 
     Trenching your gushing entrails bright, 
     Like ony ditch; 
     And then, O what a glorious sight, 
     Warm-reekin, rich! 

     Then, horn for horn, they stretch an' strive: 
     Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive, 
     Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve, 
     Are bent lyke drums; 
     Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive, 
     "Bethankit!" 'hums. 

     Is there that owre his French ragout 
     Or olio that wad staw a sow, 
     Or fricassee wad mak her spew 

     Wi' perfect sconner, 
     Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view 
     On sic a dinner? 

     Poor devil! see him ower his trash, 
     As feckless as a wither'd rash, 
     His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash, 
     His nieve a nit; 
     Thro' bloody flood or field to dash, 
     O how unfit! 
     But mark the Rustic, haggis fed, 
     The trembling earth resounds his tread. 
     Clap in his walie nieve a blade, 
     He'll mak it whissle; 
     An' legs an' arms, an' heads will sned, 
     Like taps o' thrissle. 

     Ye Pow'rs wha mak mankind your care, 
     And dish them out their bill o' fare, 
     Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware 
     That jaups in luggies; 
     But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer, 
     Gie her a haggis! 

 The Top 20 Failed Haggis Marketing Ploys, by Rich Block

 20. Freeze-dried Haggis, the official haggis of NASA

 19. Haggis On a Stick

 18. Kentucky Fried Haggis, in extra-crispy or the Colonel's
     Original secret recipe

 17. Stove-Slop Haggis, instead of potatoes

 16. Baaaaaa-B-Q, with peat & mesquite flavoring

 15. Mountain Ewe, totally refreshing carbonated haggis
     beverage. Do the Ewe!

 14. Cup o' Guts Instant Haggis

 13. Entrail Mix: Natural Snack

 12. Mix & Eat Cream of Sheep

 11. Wool-Whip Non-dairy dessert topping

 10. H.L.T.

 9. Moo Goo Gai Viscera

 8. Haggis Joy and Mounds: Sometimes you feel like a gut.
    Sometimes you don't....

 7. Bleaties Cereal, breakfast of Champions

 6. Shish ke Baaaaaaaab

 5. Ram-Burger Helper

 4. Chockful o' Guts Haggis Coffee: Gut to the last drop!

 3. Pedialights: Haggis for the wee bairn

 2. Two all-sheep haggis, special sauce, lettuce, cheese......

 1. Haggis Dazs: Premium Haggis Ice Cream

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