[CrackMonkey] U.S. SUSPECTS WORLD NOT PUTTING U.S. INTERESTS FIRST

[James Morris]

U.S. SUSPECTS WORLD NOT PUTTING U.S. INTERESTS FIRST


http://www.satirewire.com/news/0103/usfirst.shtml
Copyright (C) 1999-2001 by SatireWire

International Community Denies Charges, Insist They Mean "U.S." When They Say "World"

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) -- In a stinging accusation, the U.S. today charged other nations with taking a narrow-minded "world view" and deliberately failing to consider U.S. economic interests above individual international concerns.

World leaders immediately denied the charges, calling the U.S. allegations, "paranoid delusions of non-grandeur."

WHITE HOUSE EVIDENCE:

@ International politicians and the media have blasted the U.S. for abandoning the Kyoto global warming treaty, despite the fact that the U.S. has explained the treaty would not be good for the U.S. economy.

@ The European Union has yet to lower its stricter Internet privacy standards, even though the U.S. has pointed out that these standards could hurt American businesses.

@ Several countries, including India, are encouraging their skilled high tech workers to stay home and not emigrate to the United States, ignoring the fact that the United States "could probably use them."

"They can deny it, but from carbon dioxide emissions to Internet privacy standards, these internationals appear to be taking a rather myopic 'world view,' instead of stepping back and looking at the broader American economic view," said U.S President George W. Bush. "These people have to recognize that there is an entire United States community out there beyond their borders."

If this troubling trend continues, Bush warned, the United States will be forced to "take its ball and go home." Asked exactly what ball he was referring to, Bush replied: "It's big and blue and we all live on it."

While evidence supporting the allegations appears to be damning, world leaders insisted the United States has misunderstood.

On the tiny Pacific atoll of Kiribati, which is threatened by rising seas, government official Baranika Etuati insisted his recent remark to Reuters that, 'It is a terrible economic problem, it is our very survival," referred to U.S. economy. "What else would I be referring to?" he asked bewilderingly.

British Environment Minister Michael Meacher, meanwhile, said the idea that Europe would not consider the U.S. economy above all was absurd. "Naturally, when we want to protect consumers or deal with the environment or stop wars, we first ask ourselves, 'How will our decisions impact suffering American business interests?'"

U.S. officials, however, greeted those comments with suspicion, noting that few world leaders' public comments mention this consideration."That's because it's a given," replied Japanese Prime Minister Yoshiro Mori. "It's like when you love someone. You don't always have to say it. You just know."


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