[CrackMonkey] Fucking SprintPCS fucking morons, fucking fuck!

[David Huggins-Daines]

I was originally going to put this rant on a web page somewhere, or
append it to my Advogato diary, but I think a GAR tale of GAR
incompetence GAR GAR on such a scale deserves to be aired in the
appropriate GAR forum.  GAR.

So, it all starts way back when ... sometime in November ... when it
becomes obvious that I need a wireless phone, in order to test the
telephony applications that are running on my land line.  SprintPCS
has the best apparent deal in town, so I buy a phone, after being
reassured by a fellow furriner that "sure, if you have no credit,
they'll just make you pay a deposit, which you can put on your debit
card".

I call Sprint to activate my phone.  They run the obligatory credit
check.  A $125 deposit is required ... fine, I knew that.  I whip out
my debit card (note: debit card).  "Oh, you can't pay with your debit
card" (which is VISA and is accepted at every single place I've tried
aside from Sprint).  "Why not?".  "Because our credit check told us
you can't".  Yes, because I have no credit, I cannot use a *debit*
card.  It's a beautiful world we live in...

"Well, how can I pay then?".  "Cheque by phone or cheque by web".

"Cheque by web" is a unique invention of SprintPCS, and I imagine
they'll patent it one of these days.  It's like an electronic bank
transfer, where you fill in the routing code and account number,
except ... get this ... the web form is in the shape of a cheque!
Wow, innovation!  In fact, it's so realistic that, even though we all
know that bank transfers are just bits flying over the wire, you must
void a corresponding cheque in your chequebook and fill in the number
from that cheque.  Saving paper in the 21st century, the SprintPCS
way! [1]

What if you don't have any personalized cheques yet?  Well, you can't
get there from here, and don't bother trying.  You have to go to Radio
Shack or a SprintPCS store, and pay your deposit.  Cash only, of
course.  And, since they know you have no credit, the SprintPCS reps
will treat you like pond scum.

So, with deposit in place, my cell phone springs to life, and
everything is good.  I notice a strange absence of bills in the mail.

When I finally get a bill, in mid-December, it shows a credit of $37
and says (in boldface!) "Do not send payment".  I happily oblige.

Soon afterwards I get another bill showing an outstanding balance of
$125.  Why, that's odd, that's the amount of my deposit.  I call
SprintPCS to figure out what's going on, and their "Customer Advocate"
says that this bill is in error, and that I should ignore it.  I
happily oblige.  Life goes on.  I get a couple mysterious text
messages saying that I have exceeded 80% of my spending limit, which I
ignore ... after all, a HYOOMAN told me everything was all right!  We
all trust humans more than machines, right?

On January 31st, I attempt to make a phone call and find that my call
has been "redirected to Sprint to give you options to restore your
service".  Wow, I have *options*!  Sprint really cares!  When I
finally get to a representative, after navigating several redundant
IVR menus and finally giving up and hitting '0' repeatedly, he informs
me that I have exceeded my spending limit.  Well, that's odd, I say,
because I haven't yet gotten a bill saying I owe anything at all.
"Your last bill was sent ... Dec. 28".  Great, I say, then why don't
you wait until I get that bill before disconnecting my phone!  "Well,
you've gone over your spending limit, but I can take a payment right
now if you like".  Sure, I say, just let me whip out my debit card.
"OK, let me prepare your bill".  All this time, I have been walking to
the house of the friend I had been about to call.  As I finally sit
down there and prepare to pay, it hits again.  "Your options are
... cheque by phone, or Sprint PCS store".  Fuckers.

I hang up angrily, then call back to complain about this arbitrary,
confusing, and unhelpful service and end up screaming obscenities at
the next representative.  Something to the effect of "well why don't
you send me a fucking bill so I can fucking pay it you morons".

The next day, I call SprintPCS twice, finally discovering that the
reason my bills have been strange is that they (oops) accidentally
counted my deposit as a payment.  So, they fuck up, my phone gets
disconnected, I have to pay ransom to get it back.  The next day I put
down a substantial chunk of change [2] in the hopes that this
won't happen again for at least another two months.

Today, I received the promised bill from Dec. 28.  It shows $125
outstanding balance, just like the one from Nov. 28.  Well, that's
interesting, particularly since according to the less-than-helpful
folks I talked to on New Year's Eve *and* the automated system [3], I
owe a completely different (and slightly larger) amount.

I call once again to figure out why SprintPCS is completely incapable
of sending me a correct bill.  I sit on hold for at least 15 minutes.
This time, luck swings my way, and I get a service rep who appears to
have something resembling a brain.

So as it turns out, when Sprint found out that my deposit had been
mistaken for a payment, they "compensated" by debiting my account.
Except ... they didn't debit my account.  Instead, they created a
*new* account, totally unrelated to my phone, and debited this
account.  So they sent me two bills, neither of which were correct,
and neither of which I was told I had to pay.

And I thought ILECs, ISPs, and Canadian banks were the most clueless
companies in the world...

[1] Their bills say "This bill printed on recyclable paper.  Sprint
    PCS is committed to reducing America's solid waste problem."  Wow!
    *Recyclable* laser printer paper ... as opposed to all that
    non-recyclable paper the other companies use!

[2] At Radio Shack ... since as it turns out, my bank accidentally
    canceled my order of personalized cheques, which is why I still
    don't have any.  Mouth-breathers, all of them.

[3] Using an extremely poor word-concatenation synthesizer, I might
    add.

-- 
David Huggins-Daines		-		dhd at eradicator.org