[CrackMonkey] Thai Pirates

[Miles Nordin]

This video-on-CD thing turns out to be a lot more tangled than I 
originally suspected.  There is a thing called a VCD.  It is sort 
of like VHS, or Betamax, except it comes in a CD case.  In the 
Philippines, VCDs are plentiful.  VCD players are more popular 
than VCR's, and with good reason!  They only cost $50!  The 
country is full of ``licensed for Philippine home viewing only'' 
VCD's of movies and popular US televisions like _Friends_ and 
_The Sopranos_.  They cost about $5, except _Here on Earth_ 
which costs $10 because it is just that good.

Then, there are the Chineese bootlegs, which cost $1.50.  They 
take home video cameras into movie theaters.  The better pirated 
VCD's are made by bribing the cine---with a bribe the Pirate can 
plug his pirate's video camera directly into the theater's sound 
system so you can't hear people in the audience coughing in 
Mandarin.

There is an improved version of VCD, called ``SVCD'', that uses 
more advanced mathematics than the original version and is thus 
three times sharper without any change in the physical CD-ROM 
media.  SVCD was developed through the funding and endorsement 
of the Chineese government.  This is not a joke.  SVCD is _the_ 
communist video format.  SVCDs are available only in countries 
under the Chineese Military's thumb, such as Taiwan and Malaysia.  
I have not seen an SVCD movie for sale in the Philippines yet, 
but I have seen many SVCD players.  I've been looking all over 
for Judy Ann Santos on SVCD.  Anyone know where I can write 
``Ms. Santos?''  I want to send her some, uhhhh, Fan Mail.  yeah.

What appears to be the best SVCD, VCD, DVD, and MP3CD player on 
the market right now is a discontinued model made by Raite.  
This is a Taiwanese company that, like all nefarious criminal 
organizations, has about five aliases:  Yamawaka, Tokai, Raite, 
[XXX].  Notice anything about these aliases?  ra-i-te, 
ya-ma-wa-ka, to-ka-i?  That's right---they are all Japanese 
names!  Not only is this company trying to force consumers into 
buying their product by sheer statistical namespace saturation.  
Not only are they ducking bad reviews by seeming to compete with 
themselves.  but they are trying to masquerade as a reputable 
Japanese corporation worthy of honor and respect.  The Chineese 
have neither!  They are cheap whining greedy weak short little 
scheming parasitic bastards.  They will stab you with a bamboo 
shim in a second.  We should never have liberated this scum from 
the Empire of the Rising Sun.

The Chineese bastards did the same thing with the MP3 CD-discman 
market, which is how I first fell in with this bottomsucking 
algaeslurping pondscum.  Likko, Encino, Lenoxx---it's all the same 
Chineese junk under different names.  You've got to remember, 
these people are Commie Bastards.  It's just one big company 
called CHINA over there.  ``Made in China'' does not mean the same 
thing as ``Made in France.''  It is really closer in meaning to, 
``Pizza Hut, A Pepsi Corporation.''  You will find the same 
components, even the same software, inside Chineese products from 
supposedly competing companies; and you can get a 7up in any Pepsi 
restaurant.  Brand names of Chineese companies are merely a 
linguistic convenience to help them export things to capitalist 
countries.  

Salesman:  ``Hi, Joe!''

Me:  ``Evenin'sir.  Hey.  What company's this from?''

``Sorry, sir?''

``You know.  GM, Chrysler, Sony, Philips?  Com-pan-y.''

``Made in China, sir.''

``I know China.  What _company_?''

``It play CD's, sir.''

``Yes, I can see that.  What _brand_?  You-know-this-word:  Brand?''

``China, sir.  Ah, brand, we have Sony.  You want Sony, sir?''

``Actually, no.  Sony/Tristar is on my shitlist this year.  But, 
let's have a look anyway.

``Uh, but, that `Sony' looks exactly the same as the Chineese one.  
What're you trying to pull, mister?''

``No, sir; Sony, sir.  High Quality.''

Nice, clean girls.  Oh God Yes.  Bring it on, China.  Welcome to 
the New Economy, comrade.