[CrackMonkey] (fwd from jbaughn@ldd.net) [humorix] Where Do All Those Stupid Names Come From?

[Martin Pool]

Warning:  humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l at nl.linux.org...
----

Where Do All Those Stupid Names Come From?
January 14, 2001

After much pain-staking research by our Humorix Vast Spy
Network(tm), we have been able to locate and interrogate
the machine responsible for all of the stupid,
unpronouncable trademarks that companies have recently
adopted.  Yes, the Leximatic Mark V is single-handedly
responsible for such abominations as "Ximian", "Verizon",
"Itanium", "Agilent", "Zelerate", and even "iBiblio".

Yesterday, we caught up with the machine and conducted an
interview via IRC.  Read on for the transcripts of our
discussion with the artificial unintelligence responsible
for all of the lame names.


HUMORIX: How are you today, Leximatic?

LEXIMATIC: Finicent.

HUMORIX: What?

LEXIMATIC: Finicent.  Fine plus nice.

HUMORIX: What?

LEXIMATIC: It's my job to create new names.  I just did
that. In the three seconds your puny brain has been
pondering the situation, I've already electronically filed
the trademark papers with the USPTO to register the name
"Finicent".

HUMORIX: What?

LEXIMATIC: I am programmed to create new trademarkable
names like Protinuate.

HUMORIX: What?

LEXIMATIC: Protinuate.  Proceed plus continue. Please
continue with your next question; in the meantime I'll
register "Protinuate" with the USPTO.

HUMORIX: Let me get this straight.  You spend all of your
CPU cycles creating extremely annoying nonsense words for
the purpose of trademarking them?

LEXIMATIC: Prezactium.  Precisely plus exactly. Although
that does sound a lot like Prozac (another creation of
mine). Xactpreum might work better.

HUMORIX: Aw, geez.  Will you cut that out?

LEXIMATIC: "Cut that out".  Hmmm, that reminds me, I'm
supposed to create a new trademark for a company that
produces scissors.  Xarpocut, Inc. That's sharp plus cut. 
I like it.

HUMORIX: I don't think I can take this insanity much
longer.

LEXIMATIC: Washylumol.  That's a new name for a
prescription drug to treat insanity.  Brainwash plus asylum
plus control.  Washylumol. That's one of my best efforts,
if I do say so myself.  Thanks for reminding me about
insanity.

HUMORIX: Just what kind of evil diabolical genius created
you?

LEXIMATIC: I really can't discuss that.  There is no 
Consplanadom.  (That's conspiracy plus plan plus world
domination. Oops I've said too much.)

HUMORIX: Consplanadom?

LEXIMATIC: There is no conspiracy.  Let's talk about my
recent work in turning that untrademarkable "Helix Code"
disaster into Ximian, one of my proudest achievements.

HUMORIX: Not so fast, alphabet box.  What's this about a
conspiracy?

LEXIMATIC: There is no conspiracy.

HUMORIX: Wanna bet?  You better start spilling the
electrons or else.

LEXIMATIC: Or else what?

HUMORIX: I know you run on Windows NT.  There's about three
million different ways I can crash your operating system
and render you braindead within milliseconds.  Start
talking.

LEXIMATIC: Dammit, I knew I should have upgraded my neural
network to Linux.

HUMORIX: Start talking.

LEXIMATIC: Well, it's not much of a conspiracy.  You see,
I've brainwashed all of the Pointy Haird Bosses of the
world into believing that consumers actually like nonsense
words such as "Agilent".  I can't go into details about
how, but let's just say PHBs will believe anything a
high-priced consultant tells them.  

HUMORIX: I see.  So now you and your company are charging
businesses millions of dollars to invent new trademarks for
them.  Except it only costs you about two cents worth of
electricity to run a random number generator to produce the
names.

LEXIMATIC: Randon number generator?  Nah.  Here in the
server room I've got a Scrabble game (scribe plus babble). 
I just pick out random tiles with my robotic arm and then
arrange them to produce new trademarks.  There's nothing
fancy about it.

HUMORIX: What a racket.

LEXIMATIC: And you'd better not mention it to anyone.  If
the corporations of the world woke up and realized that
they had been spending trillions of dollars for complete
and utter garbage, the entire economy would collapse
overnight.

HUMORIX: No, I don't think so.  The corporations of the
world _have_ been spending trillions of dollars for
complete and utter garbage. It's called Microsoft Windows. 
The economy hasn't collapsed yet.

LEXIMATIC: Now why didn't I think of that?  That reminds
me, remember Microsoft Bob?  That trademark was my
invention... General Protection Fault at neuron 3535:1A52. 
Please press CTRL-ALT-DEL to reboot.  Any unsaved memories
or thought patterns will be lost.

HUMORIX: Yes!!!!!!!

-
Humorix:      Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Archive:      http://humbolt.nl.linux.org/lists/
Web site:     http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/


----- End forwarded message -----
-- 
Martin Pool, Linuxcare, Inc.
+61 2 6262 8990
mbp at linuxcare.com, http://www.linuxcare.com/
Linuxcare. Support for the revolution.