[CrackMonkey] Perl (fwd)

[Jay Sulzberger]

On 14 Jan 2001, Mr.Bad wrote:

> >>>>> "JS" == Jay Sulzberger <jays at panix.com> writes:
>
>     JS> Yes.  That course of action will result in lower total costs,
>     JS> more satisfied and productive staff, and better web pages.
>
> ...and your ROI is going to GO THROUGH THE ROOF!
>
> I've got proof RIGHT HERE -- a study by an INDEPENDENT THIRD-PARTY
> RESEARCH CENTER based in SPARKS, NEVADA -- that shows CONCLUSIVELY
> that the combination of Guile + Goops will improve your bottom line
> not
>
>         10!
>
> not
>         20!
>
> but an explosive:
>
>         ONE HUNDRED TIMES!
>
> Don't take my word for it! Look at the figures and decide for
> yourself. Here is a histogram of your staff productivity and customer
> effectiveness using various different programming languages:
>
>           Value -> (larger numbers are better)
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> Perl      ||||
> Superlang ||||||
> Python    |||
> Goops     ||||||||||||||||||
> Guile     ||||||||||||||||
>
> Top scientists at research academies around the world use "histograms"
> to compare numbers. And this scientific study performed by an
> INDEPENDENT RESEARCH FACILITY in SPARKS, NEVADA, is going to use the
> expressive power of histograms to show exactly how YOU can turn Guile
> and GOOPS into a money-making machine!
>
> NOTE in the histogram above that Guile and Goops, taken separately,
> CLEARLY exceeds the capacity of other programming languages HANDS
> DOWN. But watch what happens when we COMBINE Guile and GOOPS into a
> winning combination:
>
>             Value -> (larger numbers are better)
> -------------------------------------------------------------
> Perl        ||||
> Superlang   ||||||
> Python      |||
> Guile+Goops ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
>
> Taken together, value is increased astronomically! We call this effect
> "Syner-guile" (TM) -- and that means that YOU are going to make MONEY,
> MONEY, MONEY!
>
> Maybe you think you should wait and see. But can you really afford it?
> RIGHT NOW your COMPETITORS are harnessing the MONEY-MAKING DYNAMO of
> GUILE and GOOPS to eat your fucking lunch. They're doing it right now!
> While you're listening to me! Driving down prices! Stealing your
> customers! Making off-color suggestions to your teenage daughters
> outside the record store! And INCREASING ROI.
>
> That's right -- they're getting tons and tons of ROI while you're not
> getting SHIT in terms of ROI. Your ROI would be a sad, sad joke if it
> wasn't too pitiful even to be a sad joke.
>
> You need to ACT NOW and SEIZE YOUR DESTINY. Be the engineering manager
> you've always wanted to be!
>
> ~Mr. Bad

Mr. Bad, you do not exaggerate.  I am only suspicious that you claim to
have seen a study.  Studies of programming productivity are frauds.  We do
not have studies designed to distinguish the war making power/code
cranking capability of a division of ZPE powered hyper-intelligent
killdozers wielding S expressions beyond the
Solomonoff-Kolmogorov-Martin-Loef-Chaitin limit from that/that of a
beginner in the dadadada of "doing web pages in Perl", without reading the
manual.

When I wish to visit California, I do not rip my limbs off, then bind up
the bleeding wounds with tapioca, barb wire, and dried out packing tape
and start wriggling on the ground in the direction of the rising sun.
No, I call my friend William Shatner, the distinguished Canadian actor,
singer, impresario, and irrepressible spokesmodel, and he gets me the best
price on a comfortable scheduled commercial airliner flight, which leaves
and arrives at convenient times.  Shatner is always able to get the best
price because he has read the source code to the web pages of
priceline.com.  Now, I do not depend on a "comparative study of the
effectiveness of travel tactics", nor upon a "study in the persuasive
power of the histogram".  I know without any such studies that the Shatner
method is, as you have stated, more than a thousand times more effective
at getting me to Ole Californ-I-A as compared with the limb ripping and
squirming method, and that Histriogrammatonalogy is the way to convince
readers of your copy to BUY THE PRODUCT.

http://www.salesdoctors.com/patients/1ad5.htm
http://www.pamlontos.com/art1098.htm
http://impian.dokkyomed.ac.jp/ml-open/new-list/1996/0168.html
http://www.worldwidelearn.com/advertising-copywriting.htm
http://www.yournetsuccess.com/pages/where_do_i_start.htm
http://www.prm.nau.edu/PRM383/marketing%20a%20cr%20enter%20lesson.htm
http://www.lightbolt.com/sem.html
http://www.library.uiuc.edu/ahx/Sandage.htm
http://www.sunday-times.co.uk/news/pages/sti/2000/03/12/sticultvv02004.html
ftp://ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext95/acrdi10.txt

The human chromosomes have now been published by the Gutenberg Project in
standard ATGC form.  The distribution of ngrams, in histogram form, is
available upon request:

ftp://metalab.unc.edu/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/GUTINDEX.ALL

oo--JS.


PS.  ispell suggests that perhaps you meant "Sup-Erlang":

http://www.erlang.org